Dear Christiano

[christianoronaldo]

It's come to my attention that some members of the XBOX Live community have problems that they may need some advice on. Therefore I would like to offer them advice by posting a column where they will get wisdom from us all. Obviously we may all have our own solutions and so we can give them multiple ideas. Here is the first issue that I would like to resolve:-

Dear Christiano,
I play on XBOX Live a lot and am continuously accused of being 10 or 11 and even a girl. I am actually 17 and just have a squeaky voice cause my balls aint dropped yet. Do you have any ideas as to how I can make my voice deeper so that I am treated more seriously online?

There you go, i'm sure we can come up with some good ideas for this poor fellow!

[jase37]

Follow the link below and the voice will definately deepen. Comes in useful as it can be used for nuisance phonecalls as well!

www.hasbro.com/default.cfm?page=ps_results&product_id=15397#

[Lukant 23]

Hmm i wonder who wrote that....or didnt which is probably the case. lol. I also lke the way jase answers his own posts....

[Harsh Marsh]

Dear christiano,
I have a friend who needs some advice, when my friend was out for a night of fun and drinking everything was going fine. Later that night my friend even managed to pull a girl and invited her to the alley behind the kebab house for a bit of a knee trembler. (classy lass)

The next couple of days everything was going fine and he was unaware of any problems, it started with a slight tingle. This tingle was getting worse and would only happen when he went for a wee. Then came the big red spots all over his private area followed by puss which smelled like rotten garbage.

Now his private area has started to go green and he needs some advice, please help christiano.

[christianoronaldo]

Thanks Mr Marsh for your query regarding issues with your friends private parts. Firstly I would like to ask how you seem to be so descriptive of your friends problem, you Northerners are obviously very CLOSE! The most obvious solution that comes to mind is tell your friend to bath his bits in a mixture of domestos and water, approximately a 1 in 10 solution. Do not apply any stronger as this may produce a red effect followed by blistering and peeling. This should be done twice daily. (Kills all known germs and bacteria fast!) Alternatively, contact your local clinic on :- Doncaster West PCT
East Laith Gate Home, East Laith Gate, Doncaster, South Yorkshire DN1 1JE
Tel: [phone]

[violator]

Dear Christiano,

I have recently been introduced by a good friend of mine to a group of people who regularly host social meetings. After getting to know the group i now consider them all as good friends.
My problem is that the person who introduced me has taken a severe disliking to all the members of this group and has come up with a pathetic excuse for ending communications with them all.
As these people don't deserve to be treated this way i feel i should tell them all the real reason for his supposed "technical problem". At the same time i don't want to betray my friends trust (who for secrecy reasons we'll call NASTY MOSS2). Please help me with this terrible decision Christiano, violator.

[christianoronaldo]

Dear Violator,
Firstly i'd like to thank you for asking for help, obviously my Dear Christiano column is beginning to provide persons with issues to seek help and advice from someone with the skills and experience that I hold.
I think we should look much much deeper into the problem with your friend. Your friend could in fact be suffering from some form of mental condition which causes them to feel that they are inferior to the group of people that you mention. Give it a few days and they may realise just what they are missing. The problem could also result from feeling inadequate, for example between the sheets, or infact they may have realised that they are different in some way for example they are gay and have fallen for one of the group but rather than just take the individual out of their life they feel they must remove the whole group.

The more that I think about it the more I feel that I have the answer for you: -
Tell your friend to tell his friend to get the gangrenous STD sorted and then they can be together.

Alternatively call the number below, they might be able to advise you further, unless I can come up with any more ideas soon. The number is at local call rate and so it wont cost too much from a BT landline, mobile costs may vary.

08457 90 90 90

[Lukant 23]

Dear Christiano,

I have a friend who is afraid to admit he has obsessive compulsive disorder but he is constantly doing the same thing. He plays the same game for many hours a day, many days a week and many weeks a year. For now i shall call him AcceptedLife and the game he constanly plays, First Reality. He also seems to accept that he is from a certain place in England (we'll call it OldFort) even though he clearly has the most clear accent in the world. Another thing that troubles me is his love for people of extreme heights. He either goes for really tall people (Like say Elves) or really small people (dwarves maybe...). He seems to like the fantasy style creatures and doesnt seem to like real life things. Please help him chrisitano before hee does something drastic like marry a dwarf!!!

[Harsh Marsh]

I hope he dosent 'REJECT' you a reply!!!

[christianoronaldo]

Dear Lukant,
Once again i'd like to thank you for your concern over the well being of your friend. I do so happen to have the solution but it will require a little effort from yourself to assist him with his troubles! The first part is to tempt AcceptedLife away from First Reality, telling him that the characters in GRAW are actually smaller than the characters in First Reality. Once this seed has been sown you may need to implement a drastic measure: - 1) Locate a suitable tv, preferably 6inch screen. 2) Break in to the house of said individual. 3) Replace the tv with the new smaller tv and remove the First Reality from his collection. This must be carried out at the precise time of said individual going to purchase GRAW. Place any fantasy style creatures he may have in his room around the tv, preferably any with smiles to go closest. This way he will accept that the fantasy style creatures have infact performed magic on his tv and disc. This is the first part of the plan carried out.
Part 2 involves you getting him to play in the real life rooms. Tell him you'll play alone together, and then the trap opens. We get him to join Mel, he'll be so tempted by the name, he wont be able resist, especially when you tell him that she's 3foot 6inches! Once in the room he will finally hear the voice of a live elf! The cackling, whinging and moaning will be enough to put him off elves, gnomes and dwarfs forever!

Unfortunately he may not play real life GRAW again but he will have: -
1) Had his First Reality game nicked.
2) Had his first meeting with an elf which means he will never marry one!
3) Realised that he is from a certain place where it is not really the elves and dwarfs that nick your tv, but the scumbags who pretend to be their friends!

[Terrorformer]

Dear Christiano
Im so worried about my friend at the moment i think hes on the bottle to much and its making him go a little crazy. The other day i was out with my friend enjoyin a few drinks and having a laugh when suddenly my friend starting gettin stange texts which just said NOOB on them. He sat there really confused as to who sent him this txt as he didnt know who's number it was. After a few minutes it turned out he sent the message to himself this was funny for the first minute or so but also a little worrying. Later that night when we returned home my friend insisted on a bottle of whisky for shots and i thought it could be fun so went and got the glasses. When i returned though the full bottle had some how halved and my friend insisted he had dropped the bottle and it emptied. 2 hours later my friend passed out on my sofa and when he woke thats when he went crazy. He had no clue where he was and kept asking where terror was even though i was only person there. It was quite scary as it looked like he could turn on me any second and it got even worse when he called me the plasterer. After around 10 minutes of me telling him i was terror he said it was time for him to leave so i shown him to the door and as he left he turned to me and said cheers for everythin tonight plasterer and left. Please help me christiano im at my wits end

[christianoronaldo]

Dear Plasterer,

Firstly I’d like to remind all users of the forum that the ‘Dear Christiano’ column is free of charge and all matters are treated in confidence so why not take advantage of advice from a professional!

I actually spoke to Jase over the weekend and so am aware of the person involved, I think Jase has posted a vote within the private section which may well interest you. There are some fairly simple ways of stopping your friend from texting himself: -

If your friend texts from his phone using his contact list, advise him to add himself to the contacts. Save the number as ‘Don’t text this it’s you you dumb fuck!’ This will not work if a number is manually inputted at the time of the message/call.

To stop this type of call: -

Call the network operator and tell them that you wish to block communications with one particular number due to receiving strange texts from the number. Tell them the number and all will be sorted!


Regarding the theft of whisky: -

I would advise in this circumstance to have 2 bottles of whisky saved up, one filled with whisky, the other with bodily fluid! If leaving the room to get glasses, pull forward the bottle containing the bodily fluid. In a drunken state the person wishing to drink whisky will not attempt to open a bottle that is behind another bottle! Even a smell of a bottle that has previously contained whisky to a piss head will not put them off!

Finally the issue with mixing up his friends. This was obviously due to the drink. 2 options here: -

Get a large dog to lay beside him and flick an odourless type brylcreem product all over his face. Wake him up by shouting at the dog to get down and apologise for it putting its dick in his mouth when he was asleep!

If he calls you Plasterer, call him Plasterer! That would make a good conversation!

I hope that this helps you and your friend!

Christiano

[jase37]

Sleeping, sure you are old enough to think for yourself!

[Aliendave]

Just a short one chris u a m8 of hovins coz i think u both wankers

[hovin9]

suck my tight ass